All These Things That I've Done

October 19, 2006

When there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
One more son
If you can hold on
If you can hold on, hold on
I wanna stand up, I wanna let go
You know, you know - no you don't, you don't
I wanna shine on in the hearts of men
I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand

Another head aches, another heart breaks
I am so much older than I can take
And my affection, well it comes and goes
I need direction to perfection, no no no no

Help me out
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the blackburner
You know you got to help me out -- The Killers

I'm counting down the days until I land on that great mile-stone of 30. Of course it's this feeling of fleeting time and mortality that always make us reflect on the un-accomplished rather than the accomplished. I immediately think back to "when we were young" and bemoan "oh I was going to be married with kids by 25," or "I was going to be a famous published author by 28..." And here I am 3 days shy of 30 up to my armpits in debt without a stable job (not to mention a career), no hope of being able to pay for a wedding let alone a house or fronting the money to start a family and I still don't really know what I want to be when I grow up. But really that sounds awful and depressing when most days are optimistic. So what the hell is so depressing about 30? I've lived in the 70's, 80's, 90's and 00's. That's 4 freaking decades. How cool is that?

I have the best fiance one could ask for, two insane dogs that I love, a cute house with a yard we can actually afford the rent on, off-street parking, a Master's degree, and a job that's doing some good in this world. Oh and not to be over-looked, I'm finally feeling like the person I've always wanted to be two surgeries (that I had the privilege of being able to schedule and follow through on) and a weekly testosterone shot in the ass later! There's this obsession with finding what's perfect....what we are entitled to. The later being so loaded. Entitlement coupled with responsibility. I'm learning here at work hard-core what entitlement means: nothing, unless you can show that you won't be back next week or even next month. Even among my co-workers I feel hecka privileged. Up to what line does one have responsibility, and when does it become completely out of one's control? You get tired when you are unemployed and trying to make ends meet. I know that from experience: there were days soon after we first came to Florida where we still didn't have our furniture from the movers (after waiting 1 and 1/2 months), when I was receiving rejection letters from jobs I'd applied to and really thought I had a chance at, when my whole body hurt from sleeping on an air mattress for 40 some days in a row, when all I could do was lay on the hard floor and cry. I was maxed out with nothing to show for it. If we hadn't had a support system with resources I don't know how we would've made it.

The church Talia works at gave us a few hundred dollars in gift certificates for the local grocery store that could also be used for gas at one location, and the two pastors kept passing on job openings to me and putting a good word in when they had a chance even though they hardly knew me. It was because of them that I landed the job that I currently have. The church also helped us with moving expenses and advocating for us when the movers showed up weeks late and without some of our stuff, and it was through church connections that we got the rental house we are in.

I don't know about this whole responsibility theory when sometimes it's just about who you know and who cares about you that counts....